I don’t know why but I’ve been putting this post off. It’s been a few weeks and I’m out of IOP and my time off work is over. Right away my hours went almost back to where they were before I left. But I had a “rest” and with my coping skills I’m able to set more boundaries and handle the added stress more than I would have. Plus I’m not in a manic episode and working 70 hours a week. So, I won’t get burnt out so quickly again.
I think taking the time to stop, question my mental health, take its pulse and decide to ask for help is one of the smartest, honest, and bravest things I’ve done.
To celebrate I took mom out to one of my favorite restaurants, The Melting Pot. We did the full shebang, and had a blast. The waitress asked us if we were celebrating and I told her I graduated. She made this plate for me. I especially love the rice treat heart.
During PHP, my therapist recommended a self care goal setting app called Finch. By setting and completing goals you can grow your wee bird from a chick to adult. Along the way you can get wee pets as well as clothes and decor for your bird’s nest.
I didn’t expect to use it so much and become involved and reliant on the app. I track my daily chores there (at least till my planner starts in July). I have self care goals, like sleeping and showering. I have work goals, like log off by a certain time, etc.
My favorite goal which is “literally survive the day.” I feel like this is such a good and oddly motivational goal, especially on those really bad days when getting out of bed is tough.
I’m almost to my 50th adventure that you can send your finches on to grow further as they explore different regions. There are monthly themes and you can use it either paid or unpaid subscriptions.
All in all, I would recommend this app to give you a boost in practicing goal setting and seeing those goals to completion.
Mom needed help out by the pool because she was having trouble getting up and down from the concrete. I was like, “I got this.” When out there and helped with what she needed, stood up, fell backwards and landed completely on my backside. It was a slow fall so it didn’t hurt too bad. Of course, I freaked mom out from the fall, but then I pissed her off because I was laughing.
“This isn’t funny,” she said. I couldn’t stop laughing. I said, “It’s funny when you know that I peed my pants on impact with the concrete.” I just had to laugh. I think we should always laugh when we pee our pants, except maybe in public. But even then you get yourself out of public, cleaned up, and then you laugh hysterically.
Last weekend we started packing up at the apartment. I started with my office and one integral part of said office is my desk and those pesky desk drawers.
I found so many weird things in my desk. First there was a Garfield staple remover, temporary tattoos from a work vendor we fired 5 years ago, and an entire drawer of empty notebooks. (I have a problem, I’m aware of this, but that probably won’t stop me from continuing to buy new notebooks.)
In addition, I also found a copy of the Constitution that I’ve had since college (25 years ago!) and an entire drawer of post it flags – obvious evidence that I was in grad school for three years. All in all, in one little,single, chest of five drawers, I found two giant bags of useful junk (plus all the stuff that didn’t fit in the bags – I’m looking at you notebooks.)
Ungame prompt: tell us about a special gift you received as a child.
I was given many special gifts as a kid, there was giant Teddy, and regular Teddy (I wasn’t creative with naming things) my bike, and obviously more. But the first gift that comes to mind is one from my Mammaw in my preteen years.
She and I shared a love of office supplies. I had so much fun playing school and office (yeah, I was that kid). Anyway, she noticed this, and for Christmas one year she gave me a brimming box of office supplies.
First, the box itself was part of the gift. It was grey plastic that you could lock and on top there was a clip so the box could double as a clipboard. She gave me pens, mechanical pencils (all the new rage), stapler, staple remover, ruler, scissors, even a date-time stamp + stamp pad. She must have gone to the office aisle of K-Mart and purchased one of everything.
While it was 30+ years ago, but I can say that I still have the stapler and staple remover. Oh! And a hole punch, I still have that too.
At first, one of the many catalysts that spurred me into PHP & IOP was the process of buying a house. I found it so stressful. You would find a house you loved, bid on it, and find out that another buyer offered cash or bid $30,000 more than you did. There were so many ups & downs, my fragile mind was exploding over the strain.
We offered on one house, we even offered after doing a virtual walk through with our realtor. We were taking a lot on faith. This was the house that the bidder put in an offer over $30K. So, we were clearly out of the running. We looked a few more houses and put down another bid that was declined. Meanwhile, the first bidder bowed out of the house purchase. Maybe they realized that they had overbid, but we were the next in line as far as bid price and flexibility. The next step was an inspector and an official bid/contract from our side. Done. Everything mostly looked good. No house is ever perfect. Then it was time to get an appraisal.
The first appraisal took about a week, and the appraisal came in about $30K less than what we offered. Obviously, we weren’t spending that much more for a house that wasn’t worth what we were paying. The other realtor pulled more comps and asked for a redo on the appraisal, came back the same. About this time my brain had fried, and I started PHP. At this point everyone was a little perplexed. How could an appraisal come back the same with new information to take into consideration? Our case was escalated in the bank branch and finally a third appraisal was done. By now I had moved on to IOP from PHP.
The Friday before Memorial Day, we got the appraisal back and it was for the exact amount we had bid!! We were back in business. By this time, it was nearly a three-day week. We knew they wanted to close on Wednesday, but we weren’t sure, and it would depend on how quickly everything was pulled together. Tuesday around 1, we finally got the go ahead that we were closing in less than 24 hours. Now there was scrambling to get wire transfers and other paperwork ready. It was a frenzy. I even cancelled a therapy appointment to make time to get everything squared away.
We drove to the closing Wednesday. There were still hiccups being ironed out and I was getting stressed. I knew I was dissociating and trying to not freak the eff out. Finally, it was time, and we went inside. The best part so far was that the agency offered me a diet coke and rice krispie treat. I hadn’t eaten or really drunk anything that morning.
The papers started getting passed around. I signed, didn’t pay a lot of attention to, well anything. I handed the papers to Justin, let him skim and sign and then I signed. We did this for an hour. And then, suddenly, a set of keys and garage door openers were passed across the table. We were homeowners! I was finally able to process the fact that we (and the bank) bought a house. We celebrated afterwards. I had a margarita and I got to go to my new house tipsy. It was a glorious feeling.
A couple of weekends ago, I went to the local amusement park, Kings Island. A friend from work was in from out of town and he loved roller coasters. Kings Island was a no-brainer. The only problem was that I was in the middle of treatment and terrified to go. I had so much anxiety, it felt crippling. Another friend was going, too, so it was like I had a wingman. I knew this friend from out of town, but my social anxiety had me terrified that I was going to behave or say something that would make me look like a bitch, ass, or just stupid.
The morning, we were supposed to go, I woke up and said to myself, “Just do the damn thing, and have a good time.” (My therapist was super proud of that attitude when I told her on Monday.) And that is exactly what I did. I only said one thing that I somewhat regretted, no, wait, two things. Neither was too offensive, silly, or inappropriate. But my brain occasionally replays the comments for me to mull over and ruminate on. Stupid brain.
Some of the highlights were that I got to eat blue ice cream at 10:30 in the morning. We introduced our friend to LaRosa’s and Graeter’s. He liked LaRosa’s but he REALLY liked Graeter’s. He had the traditional black raspberry chocolate chip. My all-time favorite flavor. There was such a large piece of chocolate in his scoop that he didn’t even think he could eat it.
Food aside, we went to ride rollercoasters. We rode all 10 major coasters in the park between 9:45-3:15. We had the fast lane pass but the park was not as crowded as we expected either, so we got through the coasters fast. And we even rode Banshee twice. The first time we were mid-train, and it was pretty slick. The next time we went in the front, and it was a completely different ride. Absolutely breathtaking. The last coaster we rode was called Invertigo. I don’t know if the ride was that rough, that intense or if it was just the cumulative effect of 11 rollercoaster rides… but it put us down.
I got overheated just after that ride, too, which brought me down further. We decided to make our final ride Boo Blasters on Boo Hill. It’s an inside, air conditioned, laser shooting game/ride. Unsurprising, the friend from of out of town kicked our butts. I believe he was given the special moniker of Master Blaster. *snicker* I beat my other friend by a whopping 30 points. But the important thing to note is that I nearly doubled my score from the last time (like 5 years ago).
What meant the most to me of the entire trip is that I was able to talk to my friends about what I was going through. The different groups, asking for help, the commitment to treatment… It was important to me because they listened, showed concern, and showed respect. There was no pity.
After my wingman dropped us off at Bob Evan’s where I left my car and where our friend would wait for his ride, we decided to go inside and have a soda. It was a really nice one-on-one discussion, in the AC, with a cold drink.
It was a good end to a good day.
Unfortunately, I didn’t take many pictures – ok, I took two. The first is me overheating and the second is the dreaded Invertigo coaster.
A tool used by one of my therapists in group is called Ungame. It’s meant to be a conversation starter, get to know you tool, and generally a way for people to talk about themselves.
I LOVED it.
I think it’s great way to journal, ask yourself the tough questions and potentially use topics as future blog posts. They have a set for teens, couples, and families. I have the all ages set.
Ungame All Ages Version
Here’s the Amazon link: https://a.co/d/hQwONM4 (I don’t get any proceeds/kickbacks from Amazon).
An example… How do you choose between right and wrong? I think maturity, societal norms, values instilled in me by parents/family, and own moral compass help me make the choice between right and wrong. Because I seem to have a very strong internal moral compass there are times that I disagree with what society (and sometimes even the law) says it right or wrong. Especially if that viewpoint leans strongly conservative.
Some of my top values that I rely on to help are empathy, bravery, courage, challenge, comfort, compassion, connection, diversity, inclusion, education, empathy, family/friendship, humility, imagination, leadership, love, mindfulness, tenacity, resilience, honesty… There are a lot listed here and probably a lot that I missed. These make up the collage that is me. And to be honest, I’m pretty stoked about that collage (today anyway).
My Plucky Life 